A REAL MAN'S VALENTINE'S LIST

Ok ladies...Do you find yourself wondering what to get your husband/boyfriend this year for Valentine's day?  Forget all of that conventional crap you immediately think of - chocolates, flowers, poems and crap like that.  We don't want any of that stuff.  If your guy has smiled and hugged your for this kind of dribble before I am here to tell you it was simply so you didn't get your feelings hurt.  Here is what he really wants!  These are in order of importance - 1 being the most important.  Keep in mind that romantic to you is way different than romantic to him.  Something that seems totally unromantic to you could seem totally opposite to him.  I sound like that Delilah asshole that's on the radio...sorry for that!

10.  Every man needs a damned Leatherman.  I know that this doesn't seem so romantic, but the first time you see your guy whip this baby out of it's pouch and repair a broken zipper on your favorite dress, remove an anti theft device from your new bra that you somehow removed from the store while still attached, or change out the car battery in a pinch, you will be all wobbly in the knees.  Nothing makes a guy feel more useful than being able to help you fix something that you really need.  I know you can probably do it better than he can, but just humor him!

9. For all of you women who are in love with a hunter 

you can never go wrong with old reliable - a box of shotgun shells or any ammo in general.  If you are looking to get lucky then grab a box of these little gems and watch his eyes light up when he opens the wrapper!  I guarantee you'll have a night to remember - plus next time you think about mouthing off you might just remember what he's packing in his gun safe and the argument is instantly solved!  Better than a psychologist!

8.  A day out doing one of his favorite activities with him.  There is a catch though - you're not allowed to bitch about anything all day long.  If the dumb bastard wants to fish all day just sit there and smile.  If he wants to do a 30 mile bike ride with you then get the gel seat cover out and ride with a grin on your face - no matter how insincere - he is way too emotionally unintelligent to figure out your not really happy!

7.  Ok this is really a no brainer.  If it has a battery and a little screen and a friggin' Apple on the front your man is going to like it.  You will be high on his list if you can afford one of these little pearls!  However if it is going to bounce the electric company check than you might want to refrain!  

6.  Back to the screen thing.  This is personally way up on my list of goodies that I reallyyyyyy want badly!  You know that big pile of books and magazines on his side of the bed?  Totally gone with this and you will save money on the books at the same time.

5.  Tools are always good if your hitched to a real man.  If he doesn't like tools you ought to dump his ass like a hot potato - something is wrong with him.  I happen to own this particular drill from Hitachi.  I love this drill!  It is compact, powerful, quick charging, and the battery life is amazing.  Highly recommended by a guy who has owned a crap load of drills!

4.  Give him a real massage - 1 hour minimum!  This is every guys dream - well the dream actually includes a little something extra after the massage but we're getting there.  Guys don't want a massage from some ugly brute at Gold's Gym - they want it from the woman they love!  Suck it up - sore hands and all and give him the stress relieving massage he deserves!

3.  Ok you all know how I feel about fashion.  Don't go buy him some metrosexual bullshit that will sit on the shelf in the closet!  Get him a real man's shirt!  Do you really want a guy that is into wearing clothes that are sexier than yours?  I think not.  You want a man who is ready to cut down a tree, change the oil in the car, or pull out your toilet because your kid flushed a plastic toy down it.  Empower your man and buy him an ugly shirt he can fall in love with!  Do this and you will win his heart and what's left of his mind!

2.  Do you live with the kind of guy who loves the outdoors?  Is he bringing dead stuff into the house all of the time to clean them in the sink?  If he is you have a future backyard sugarer on your hands!  Tapping maples and producing his own maple syrup is sure to make your guy smile!  He can have a couple of beers while boiling the sap down, teach the kids something really cool about nature, and make you some delicious syrup for your waffles!  Must have!  Don't but this if you don't have maple trees! The "Backyard Sugaring" book is the bible for all backyard sugarers!

1.  Ok it is time for the most important thing!  Give him yourself for a night!  I know all of you moms are tired from juggling all of your every day work and family tasks - we love you for everything you do!  But the simple fact is that we real men have needs - manly needs!  You can swing one day a year where there are no holds barred in the bedroom!  So shower up, put on something slinky, practice some naughty one liners, and make that great guy of yours the happiest guy on the block.  Just imagine the dumb ass smiling the next day continually after a night of bliss!  How can you refuse that!

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Love,

Wacky Dad

A MENSTRUATION SITUATION!

I know they look sweet but the devil lurks within!

Being the proud father of my three girls is probably the greatest honor of my life.  I am so proud of all of them in so many different ways.  While driving home from New Hampshire in a car full of sleeping women, young and older tonight, I realized that I have quite a "situation" that is going to be unleashed in my already hectic world.  Multiple Periods!  And no...I don't mean punctuation!  I am going to have to endure multiple periods in my household for at least 17 years or so.  Folks that is a lot of years.  You have to understand - I have tried to raise tough, independent, and head strong girls that can compete in the tough environment we live in these days.  That is all good until you piss one of them off!  The sweet little "Daddy's Girls" can turn into Beelzebub in the blink of an eye when prompted!  I can only imagine how adding in a period or two will heighten this dynamic!  At some point in my life it is conceivable that I will share the house with 4 menstruating women!  I'm scared!

     I am thinking about constructing some kind of safe room - an underground bunker where I can hide out.  It will have reinforced concrete walls with plenty of rebar for extra security.  The door will be plate steel with sound proofing and high security locks with Retina Scan technology for admittance.  Maybe the dog will be allowed in for company but that will be my only link to the outside world!  No phones, computers, internet, tin cans with strings etc.. Lest they try to contact me in any way to exact their craziness upon me.  I am a tough man, but withstanding the fury of four crazed menstruaters is beyond my ability to comprehend.  My only recourse is to hide!  I am not sure how I will determine when it is safe to come out of my haven...but I will be erring on the side of safety!  If there is an indication that "periodic conditions" persist it will be back into my man bunker ASAP.

    In all honesty I love my girls so much that I will be willing to endure any periodic craziness that may occur - even without a bunker!  I love them all, and by God, Cathy has trained me well for this upcoming ordeal!  Ooooh I am going to get in trouble for this post but I really don't care at all!  Actually looking forward to it!  Wish me luck all!  I go into this with the heart and training of a Marine and I will not be broken!!

Semper Fi,

Wacky Dad