Yes, it is true. The end-of-days is upon us. I read all about it in a well informed piece in Yahoo News! Apparently, some very important prophets have decided that Saturday the-gig-is-up. Rapture, Sodom and Gommorah, armageddon, the whole nine yards. Yup, we're screwed. So we have about 24 hours to live out our life's dreams. How will you handle it? Are you heading for the confessional to try to atone for your sins? I'm not. Here is my schedule for the next 26 or so hours that I have to live life "as I know it."
11:00pm - 6:00 am
Get a really good nights rest. I want to be well rested for my ascent to heaven. I hope they have a helicopter, preferably a "Huey" with #06 painted on the side, to get me up there.6:00am-7:00am
7:00am - 8:00am
Go and get the "hungryman special" down at the Beacon Diner in North Kingstown. I ain't taking a long ass trip up to the pearly gates without something in me that is gonna stick-to-my-ribs.
8:00am - 5:00pm
I better go to work for the day.... Eternal damnation has nothing on the ass-chewing I'd endure if I skipped out of work.
5:00pm - 6:00pm
Eat dinner with the family. Explain to my wife that she is the reason I am getting a first class ticket to eternal life with Yahweh. Reassure her that hell ain't all that bad...
7:00pm - 8:00pm
Read to the kids. I have been doing this for nearly 11 years and no stinking rapture is going to break my stride. Tell the kids I'll see them in the afterlife, and remind Mia, "don't forget your baby and binky". Hopefully I don't come back as a toenail or something - Oh wait, wrong faith.
8:00pm - 10:00pm
Brush up on the bible for a couple of hours - is that available for my Kindle? If not, I'm not reading it. I'll just wing it. There has to be something on Wikipedia about it. Right?
10:00pm - 10:30pm
Shave and Shower
10:30pm - 11:00pm
Spit shine the dress blue shoes and press my uniform. Everyone knows that "If the Army and the Navy Ever look on Heaven’s scenes; They will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines." I am not missing out on that! One more chance to show up all you swabbies and doggies!11:00pm-11:30pm
Perform an emergency liposuction procedure on myself to help "shoehorn" my fat ass into my dress blues.
11:30pm - 11:45pm
Find a goddamned lightbulb to put in the front door light socket so that St. Peter knows I am here and doesn't skip me. You know, just like Halloween. Wonder if he says trick or treat???
11:45pm - 11:50pm Clean up the dogshit again - you never know. And I don't give a damn where the dog ends up, she really deserves hell since I whole heartedly think she is satan's spawn!
11:50pm - 12:00am
Eat a piece of the Banana Cream Pie that my friend Lisa made for me from the 5 thousand pounds of left-over bananas donated to the PanCan walk. Heaven or not, they aren't going to have that good shit up there!
Midnight - I begin my ascent into bliss... *All of the Saugy hot dogs I can eat.
*Skiing year round, no torn ligaments/broken ribs/smashed kneecaps.
*I will head for the pool bar. Yeah, they have those in heaven, and have a few beers.
*My kids will never fight or talk loudly again.
*My wife (if she makes it) will never bitch about anything again (ok Cath, you know this is satirical, right?).
*Also, I will jump on my bike and kick Lance Armstrong's ass on an ascent up Alpe D'Huez.
You know - all of the normal stuff. Yeah, you get the point...a meatheads dream!
Ok, back to reality...
On Saturday morning, it is probably going to rain for the 8th day in a row, and I will step in dog shit while I clean up the sodden masses in the backyard. Either way, I am one happy husband, dad, and camper...Armageddon or not!
In a State Of Rapture!
