TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - WACKY DAD VERSION!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a Meathead was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Santa soon would be there.

The rug rats were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Home Made Snow danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long bloggers’s nap.

When out near the snow maker there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and fell on my ass.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tangled up sleigh, and eight angry reindeer.

With a livid old driver, all covered in snow,
I knew in a moment it was St. Nick - Oh no!
More pissed off than snakes, his coursers they came,
The Elf Meathead whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
Untangle yourself from that snow maker hose! Please hurry and get your ass out of that snow!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away now!"

They shook off the snow, the compressed air, and water,
and finally took off which was still quite a bother.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and the Fat Meathead too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The stamping and pawing of sixteen angry hooves.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the mad Meathead came with a bound.

He was dressed in wet fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all covered with ice and with soot.
The bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
Were snow covered and smashed, a really sad sack.

His eyes-how they squinted! his dimples no fun!
His cheeks were like roses, from the spraying snow gun!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a scowl,
And he looked over at me and said go get me a towel.

The stump of a pipe was all smashed in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a great big beer belly,
That shook when he toweled off, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, one pissed off old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A twinkle in his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he poured a bucket of poo on the floor like a jerk .
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He shuffled to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, deer poop raining down like a missile!
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, never make snow on this night!"


I gave him the bird as he flew to the right
and hollered I AM WACKY DAD, AND WILL MAKE SNOW JUST TO SPITE!!!!  




MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ALL  IN THE WACKY DAD HOUSEHOLD!
rhode island snow

DUMB DAD RECIPES - FAKE CHICKEN DIP! 3RD OF 7 DAY OF FAKE CHICKEN RECIPES!

Today's fake chicken recipe is brought to you by a guest chef and new dad blogger Brad Ayres!  His new blog A MODERN DAY DAD is taking the dad blog world by storm!  Need a last minute party dip?  Check this out!


Ingredients:

2 - (8 ounce) packages cream cheese softened
1 - fake chicken pulled apart and shredded
1 - cup ranch dressing 3/4 cup red hot sauce
shredded cheddar cheese - you decide how much!

Directions: 

1. Mix cream cheese, ranch dressing, and red hot sauce.
2. Fold in pulled/shredded chicken.
3. Spread mixture into pie plate sprayed with Pam.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.
5. Add cheddar to top and bake an additional 10-15 minutes.
6. Serve hot with Frito scoops.

Damn that boy actually sounds like he knows what he is doing!  You see Brad is a younger dad and I like to bust his chops!  All I can say Brad is thank you for getting me out of writing another recipe because this whole 7 days of recipes thing is killing me!  I am a snow maker, backyard sugarer, obsessive bike rider etc - the whole Iron Chef thing is a stretch!!

Brad uses words like mix, fold, bake, and Pam!  He is so damn sophisticated!  I guess that is why he is called a A MODERN DAY DAD and not a Wacky Dad!  I am still much more entertaining than he is, so even though I suggest you read his blog, mine will always be your favorite!  By the way Brad and I are friends and that relationship is mostly built on busting each others chops so don't think I am bashing him (even though I really am)!  Love you Brad!

Merry Almost Christmas,

Iron Chef Eric

DUMB DAD RECIPES - FAKE CHICKEN SOUP! 2ND OF 7 DAYS OF FAKE CHICKEN RECIPES!

OK MOMS I AM ALREADY STARTING TO HATE THIS RECIPE THING BUT FOR SEVEN DAYS I WILL BE CATERING TO THE CULINARY CHALLENGED OF MY READERS!  I AM GOING TO TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE CHICKEN SOUP THE EASY WAY AND YOU'LL BE DROOLING FOR IT!  OK.  READY, SET, GO!

1.  Buy 1 fake chicken.  My girls call the precooked rotisserie chicken you can buy at the store fake chicken!  Whatever you call it go buy a fake chicken.

2.  Get some carrots and celery to throw it in the soup.  Also some spinach is good too.  Get a dozen eggs.  Also grab a couple of large containers of College Inn Broth.  Grab 1 lb of mini mac pasta too.

3.  Get back in your car and bring it home.

4.  Go into your house and put it on the counter.  Scratch your head and wonder why you have to do this....

5.  Strip off all meat and cut it up - if it doesn't choke you then the size is right.

6.  Pour the broth into a large pot and put on med-low.  Men this is not a time for speed cooking - take it slow.

7.  Put the chicken in the broth.  Add some salt and pepper - a little at a time until it tastes good.  Add a little garlic powder too.  Don't add too much at once or you will screw up the whole thing!  Add some cut celery and carrots into the pot.  Let it simmer until the veggies soften up.  You have to keep watching it.  Men don't start watching the game and screw it up..

8.  Boil some water and cook the mini mac al dente.  If you don't know Italian that means a little on the chewy side.

9.  This is my favorite part - if you feel like it hard boil a few eggs, dice them and throw them in the broth!  This makes it really pop!

10.  Throw some diced spinach in rig

h

t at the end for color and nutrition and simmer for a couple of minutes.  Don't ask me what the nutrients are - if it worked for Popeye then it is good enough for me.

11.  Dump the cooked mini mac into the broth.  That is it!

12.  Serve and enjoy - you will be the most popular guy in the house (I am the only guy in my house so it's easy)  

*Don't forget to leave them mess for your wife.  This is an important step!

*Just put the chicken carcass on the floor because by hook or by crook the dog will get it anyway!

Love,

Iron Chef Eric

BUY YOUR WACKY DAD A PROFESSIONAL BEER CAN CHICKEN COOKER

DUMB DAD RECIPES - FAKE CHICKEN SALAD! 1ST OF 7 DAYS OF FAKE CHICKEN RECIPES!

OK MOMS AND DADS ALIKE YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE!  I AM GOING TO TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE CHICKEN SALAD IN 2 MINUTES!  OK. READY, SET, GO!

FAKE CHICKEN

1.  Buy 1 fake chicken.  My girls call the precooked rotisserie chicken you can buy at the store fake chicken!  Whatever you call it go buy a fake chicken.

2.  Get a jar of Hellman's Mayonnaise too.

3.  Get back in your car and bring it home.

4.  Go into your house and put it on the counter.

5.  Strip off all of the white meat and dice it into little cubes - I don't care how big.

HELLMANS

6.  Eat the dark meat while you "cook".  Most men are little piggies.

7.  Dump the chicken and some Hellman's Mayonnaise in a bowl.

8.  Mix with your hands!  Don't be a pansy and use a spoon - it tastes better with the hands!

9.  Put it on a roll and feed yourself, wife and your kids!  It tastes awesome - that is all there is to it.  My girls don't like any chicken salad except this one.

10.  Leave the dirty bowl for your wife.  It is worth the dirty look!

11.  If you leave the chicken carcass unattended on the counter your dog might eat it and leave only a piece of the wishbone on the floor (Holly is going to be part chicken someday!).

Love,

Iron Chef Eric

Click This Picture For A Cool Dad Gift!  Beer Can Chicken!

We Have A New Web Address. Presenting www.wackydads.com

Presenting - WWW.WACKYDADS.COM

MY FATHER LEO AND MYSELF LOOKING AT A KNUCKLE HEAD
 IDEA OF MINE!  A MINI WATER WHEEL - IT ACTUALLY WORKED
 AND PUMPED WATER BUT MY WIFE THOUGHT IT WAS UGLY AND
 IT RUINED THE LITTLE WATERFALL WE HAVE IN THE FRONT YARD.
 I JUST DON'T GET IT!!

I decided to buy a web name since I know that Wacky Dad is going to become the biggest Dad site on the whole web!  I figured I would splurge and pay the $.80 cents a month it was going to cost for me to own a web name.  Nothing is going to change accept the web address!  If you are a follower you might want to change the address so you don't miss any of my stuff!  I am still the same old Eric so don't worry.  Also I thought since my father is a contributor (although I haven't seen his lazy butt on here lately) it would be appropriate to have a domain name called www.wackydads.com.  Hope you all like the change!  If you don't too bad....

Eric

DUMB DAD RECIPE! BRUSSEL SPROUTS THAT DON'T TASTE LIKE DIRT!

Brussel Sprouts That Don't Taste Like Dirt

Ok, most of us guys are not the greatest of cooks.  No surprise there right?  Well here is an easy recipe that most of us can handle.  The credit for this recipe goes to my friend Diane who is an awesome cook and taught me how to make these!  This dish goes well with a store bought chicken or some other mindless entree that dads like to serve.  The thing is it adds some nutrition and even the kids like it (at least mine do).  Ok here goes.

Before

*First preheat the oven to 425 degrees


1.  Get a thing of brussel sprouts - don't wash them it screws it up.
2.  Cut all of the little stems off.
3.  Cut each little brussel sprout in half.
4.  Throw them in a bowl
5.  Pour on some oil of some sort - not 10W40 
6.  Add crushed garlic or garlic powder
7.  Add some salt - don't ask me how much just don't screw up.
8.  Mix it all up with your hands.  Don't be a pansy, keep using your hands!
9.  Put all of the little half sprouts face down on an aluminum foil covered cookie sheet and put them in the oven.
10.  Cook for 18 minutes - let them cool off for a couple of minutes.
11.  Eat the little suckers - they are good I promise!  Your wife might think you are semi literate and not as dumb as she thought (we can fool them sometimes)!
12.  Throw away the foil and throw the pan in the cabinet while your wife isn't looking.  The foil keeps it clean.  What she doesn't know won't kill her! 

After - Mine actually look better but I am not taking pictures of brussel sprouts for you!

Santa Wants Pepperoni and Beer!

Don't bother leaving Santa any stinking milk and cookies!  You know how tired he is of that crap?  I'll tell you what I grew up leaving Santa my whole life and now my kids follow this tradition too!  Instead of cookies we leave sliced up pepperoni!  Instead of milk we leave a cold beer.

This has pleased Santa over the years and the dividends have been in large quantities of gifts for the Costantino girls.  The one thing that Santa has written a couple of times is that Rudolph got into the pepperoni and that riding behind him for the rest of the night was pretty tough when he became a bit flatulent!  So what do you have to lose - go a little crazy with Santa this year and leave him something a little bit different, spare the old geezer the damn milk and cookies!