A REAL MAN'S VALENTINE'S LIST

Ok ladies...Do you find yourself wondering what to get your husband/boyfriend this year for Valentine's day?  Forget all of that conventional crap you immediately think of - chocolates, flowers, poems and crap like that.  We don't want any of that stuff.  If your guy has smiled and hugged your for this kind of dribble before I am here to tell you it was simply so you didn't get your feelings hurt.  Here is what he really wants!  These are in order of importance - 1 being the most important.  Keep in mind that romantic to you is way different than romantic to him.  Something that seems totally unromantic to you could seem totally opposite to him.  I sound like that Delilah asshole that's on the radio...sorry for that!

10.  Every man needs a damned Leatherman.  I know that this doesn't seem so romantic, but the first time you see your guy whip this baby out of it's pouch and repair a broken zipper on your favorite dress, remove an anti theft device from your new bra that you somehow removed from the store while still attached, or change out the car battery in a pinch, you will be all wobbly in the knees.  Nothing makes a guy feel more useful than being able to help you fix something that you really need.  I know you can probably do it better than he can, but just humor him!

9. For all of you women who are in love with a hunter 

you can never go wrong with old reliable - a box of shotgun shells or any ammo in general.  If you are looking to get lucky then grab a box of these little gems and watch his eyes light up when he opens the wrapper!  I guarantee you'll have a night to remember - plus next time you think about mouthing off you might just remember what he's packing in his gun safe and the argument is instantly solved!  Better than a psychologist!

8.  A day out doing one of his favorite activities with him.  There is a catch though - you're not allowed to bitch about anything all day long.  If the dumb bastard wants to fish all day just sit there and smile.  If he wants to do a 30 mile bike ride with you then get the gel seat cover out and ride with a grin on your face - no matter how insincere - he is way too emotionally unintelligent to figure out your not really happy!

7.  Ok this is really a no brainer.  If it has a battery and a little screen and a friggin' Apple on the front your man is going to like it.  You will be high on his list if you can afford one of these little pearls!  However if it is going to bounce the electric company check than you might want to refrain!  

6.  Back to the screen thing.  This is personally way up on my list of goodies that I reallyyyyyy want badly!  You know that big pile of books and magazines on his side of the bed?  Totally gone with this and you will save money on the books at the same time.

5.  Tools are always good if your hitched to a real man.  If he doesn't like tools you ought to dump his ass like a hot potato - something is wrong with him.  I happen to own this particular drill from Hitachi.  I love this drill!  It is compact, powerful, quick charging, and the battery life is amazing.  Highly recommended by a guy who has owned a crap load of drills!

4.  Give him a real massage - 1 hour minimum!  This is every guys dream - well the dream actually includes a little something extra after the massage but we're getting there.  Guys don't want a massage from some ugly brute at Gold's Gym - they want it from the woman they love!  Suck it up - sore hands and all and give him the stress relieving massage he deserves!

3.  Ok you all know how I feel about fashion.  Don't go buy him some metrosexual bullshit that will sit on the shelf in the closet!  Get him a real man's shirt!  Do you really want a guy that is into wearing clothes that are sexier than yours?  I think not.  You want a man who is ready to cut down a tree, change the oil in the car, or pull out your toilet because your kid flushed a plastic toy down it.  Empower your man and buy him an ugly shirt he can fall in love with!  Do this and you will win his heart and what's left of his mind!

2.  Do you live with the kind of guy who loves the outdoors?  Is he bringing dead stuff into the house all of the time to clean them in the sink?  If he is you have a future backyard sugarer on your hands!  Tapping maples and producing his own maple syrup is sure to make your guy smile!  He can have a couple of beers while boiling the sap down, teach the kids something really cool about nature, and make you some delicious syrup for your waffles!  Must have!  Don't but this if you don't have maple trees! The "Backyard Sugaring" book is the bible for all backyard sugarers!

1.  Ok it is time for the most important thing!  Give him yourself for a night!  I know all of you moms are tired from juggling all of your every day work and family tasks - we love you for everything you do!  But the simple fact is that we real men have needs - manly needs!  You can swing one day a year where there are no holds barred in the bedroom!  So shower up, put on something slinky, practice some naughty one liners, and make that great guy of yours the happiest guy on the block.  Just imagine the dumb ass smiling the next day continually after a night of bliss!  How can you refuse that!

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Love,

Wacky Dad